Thankful Thursday

It's been a long time since I've had a moment to write anything more than a coherent, comprehensible, and correct text message. And, trust me, those are few and far between. Anyway, I've realized in the last few months how important writing is to me. Especially since my husband out of the house at least 45 hours a week, and my conversations with Lennon aren't that intellectual (but very special and life-changing,) I've come back to writing stories and dialogues in my head. I've purchased TWO new journals, that will sit on my desk until an energized, inspired, and silent night comes along.  I've also realized how much darker my life is when I do not practice gratitude. At times, it (life) has been hard.  It's been a terribly hard year for me personally and there were pity parties thrown. Never ever did I throw an actual pity party until February of this year - I was so pitiful that I didn't even have confetti. But dark days are good.  Dark days are needed.  Dark days are important to me. It was in those days that I realized that I have so much to be grateful for. I tend to think of gratitude as a meditation of sorts. Thinking of things to be grateful for centers me.  I am beginning to think that, like a smile, gratitude is contagious. So here it is hopefully the start of my weekly Thankful Thursdays.   (And I'll warn you, it's probably going to be a long one.) 

Rock Bottom - I think rock bottom is different for everyone. I also think it doesn't have to be as awful as it's imagined.  I think that rock bottom is just the breaking point, the starting line to change, not all fiery pits of hell as so many of us may think.  Rock bottom happened in February for me.  February 12th to be exact.  I was sick because I was always sick (probably lack of gratitude = lack of optimism = lack of health.)  Husband was gone to NYC for work, I was fighting with that awful car company, and I was just fed up with not being well. I couldn't keep up with housework (ha,) I couldn't keep up with Lennon, and I couldn't take care of myself.  The day before the awakening my friend came over to help me out. Maybe one day I can go into detail about how much help I needed but not today. Before she left she said that I should probably have my father come and stay with me and Lennon.  She was right. He did. And my dad took the baby with him the next day so that I could rest. Read: I couldn't take care of my child for two days. 

So there I was being pissed right the F off that I can't even take care of my kid.  WHAT HAPPENED?  Why am I not better? Lennon was 17 months old at the time, surely enough time for me to "get well," what was going on?  How do these moms do it? The height of the pity party on a beatiful February afternoon,

In my room, all on my lonesome - and I was too weak to even cry. How did I get to that point? I don't know.  But it was in that moment I was done with it.  I was a girl who got up and moved to England; who would drive to NYC randomly on a Saturday; who flew to Los Angeles for a weekend.  I was strong enough to do all that and now I can't change a diaper?  How? 

So it was time for a change.   I was done being pissed. I was done being sad.  I was done being an Eeyore in life.  I've been a Tigger my whole life, darn it. It was time to get my bounce back.  Three people outside of family  knew how bad I was. Did any of those ladies have a degree in medicine? (Jenn might have something close!) Nope.  Do any of those gals know anything about the metabolism and how it affects muscles?  Nope.  So why wasn't my doctor one of the folks that were in the know?  Because I am a stubborn, stubborn asshole. (Proven fact.) So I wrote my doctor an email.  I gave him the rundown on what's been going on in the last year. He responded quickly because he knows me well.  He assured me that it won't last forever.   That I was/am going through an autoimmune process caused by my blood mixing with Lennon's blood when that cute little guy was born. Mom and baby bloods always mix. It's rare that it has an affect, but you all know how I feel about rare. That single email response from my doctor sparked what I needed - hope (and gratitude!) I would have never had the motivation to get up and get going if it wasn't for his words.  No, I had the desire, but I thought what was the use? But that February afternoon is what I needed.  I fell three times in 24 hours that week.  I cried a bunch and I asked for help more than I ever did in my life.  Then, when no one was around. I broke. I hugged rock bottom and it hugged me back. I brushed off my shoulders and chose to try to make a change.  It's working so far. I owe a bunch to rock bottom.  

Poofy Organics - I found Poofy Organics by way of a desperate search for eczema remedies.  Lennon's skin was horrendous and probably painful.  I was at the end of my rope.   Suddenly a random cradle cap & eczema organic remedy popped up in my newsfeed on FB. It was raving about Poofy Organics and how wonderful the product and company was.  I chose to try the lotion first. To say I was impressed was an extreme understatement.  I was over the moon at how wonderfully this product  worked on Lennon's skin. I decided to join the company last September and I am still so thankful that I did.  It's nice to be a part of a company that is trying to do good things for the planet and cares for the well-being of other humans and animals alike. I enjoy that I am able to help people find a remedy to issues without toxins.  And the connections, oh boy, all of the connections to new and old friends.   It's great to build new relationships in general, but with like minded  people, ah-maze-zing! With Poofy Organics I get to meet new people, I get to reconnect with old school friends, and I get to help friends and family make healthier, greener decisions. It's nice to be a part of something that I'm passionate about &  not just doing it to try to make some money. It's been a real blessing in my life. For so long I was the one who needed help.  It nice to be able to help others.  

Time -  This probably sounds silly, but I don't care, I am thankful for time.  A wise man once said that love is all you need.  Not to knock that guy, but time is right up there in the top ten of things I need. I needed time to get used to being a mom, to get a schedule, if you will. Time is ever-fleeting and it seems like now I cannot catch up to how fast life moves.  One second I was crying in a Liverpool bathroom with a pregnancy test in my hand, and I blinked to making that baby's second birthday invitations. All it took was time (and patience.) Sometimes I think about how broken hearted I was once upon a time, and now, that seems so long ago.  It seems so silly now looking back. That the tragedies and broken hearts of the past were so huge to me.  Now, that everything has been brought to the table, I am thankful for all of those moments.  Every good and bad thing brought me to this moment, and life is good, folks. I'm happy. And I'm thankful for time in this moment.  Time to wiggle around Lennon's naps and crying fests. Time to snuggle with him. When he is up far too early in the morning, he brings Beats the Bear over and curls right into me.  I love those moments. Time with my husband. Whether it's sorting out clothes that are now too small on the baby or watching The Godfather in 30 minute increments because we are far too tired to watch any longer than that.  Goodness, I'm thankful.   And when I think I could have missed all of this if I didn't make the choice to go to England. Well, I realize the Fates have been so kind to me. For that I'll be forever grateful.  

That Lennon is a Happy Baby - Obviously, I'm grateful for Lennon, and I would love him regardless of his demeanor or attitude. But I can tell you that I have lucked out with this child.   He is the happiest baby I have ever come across (except for when he is unhappy.) I think back to when Dann was still in England and I wonder how I got through those months. The nasty war with eczema and the unwavering battle with his belly issues.    THANK GOODNESS HE WAS HAPPY! I couldn't imagine how horrible those months would have been if he was just a miserable baby.  Even now, Lennon is really a chipper little fellow.  He's always singing and dancing. He laughs and converses in his sleep frequently.  Giggling so hard while dreaming that he makes us giggle.  Lennon and I are bffs, especially when Dann is at work.  Granted, most of the summer I have been at my moms while Dann has been working so it's not too, too bad, but the days that we are home, we spending singing (and he dances,) or we color, practice our alphabet, or play some games.  With the exception of the last two weeks, he rarely has a breakdown. His natural happy-go-lucky attitude is something I am so thankful for, and the fact that he is a pretty good sleeper 75% of the time.  

Strength - Listen, I persevere.  My stubborn side is limitless. While my physical strength has dropped the ball in the last two years, deep down my attitude never stopped (you can ask my husband.) In these past six weeks I have seen just how much having a strong mentality has paid off.  In February, after Rock Bottom and I had our meeting, I called and made an appointment to get back in to physical therapy.  Although I didn't start until May, I am pretty much kicking ass.  Here's an example.  Up until last three weeks ago, I didn't shower unassisted since January 2013.  

Let that sink in.  

I took a twenty minute shower for the first time since before I found out I was pregnant (or right after I found out I was pregnant.) If you never had to ask for help or count on other people to do simple things for you (like brush your teeth,) you'll never know how big of an accomplishment this is. Granted, I needed to exercise and build my strength up, but I needed to keep my strength, my attitude in check just as much, maybe even more than my physical strength.  Once your spirit is crushed, I don't know if there is any way to motivate yourself. I'm grateful that no matter how hard it was, I always brushed myself off and tried harder to get better the next day. I'm not where I want to be, by any means, and I don't know if I will ever get back to the way I was before I carried, birthed, nursed, and fell in love with the most perfect person for my soul, but I'm going to keep trying. Lennon doesn't let me give up. Lennon doesn't let me quit. I refuse to be anything less than the best I can be for this love of mine. So for this week, even though it's taken me an entire month to write this, I am extraordinarily grateful for my stubborn strength. 

What are you thankful for?