Old Advice with a New Twist - A long time ago, when I was going through a butt of a breakup, my friend, Amanda, advised me to stop trying to ignore the pain. Let me say it again. Stop trying to ignore the pain. (Read it again, out loud, and think about it.) She told me to embrace the pain. To learn from it. To feel it. To live it. Hands down one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. Fast forward to this craptastic year. I've learned that the funny thing about grief is that it's like a huge pimple on your nose that you cannot ignore. You walk around with grief as if it's an old friend, all day every day. You cannot ignore it. You cannot pretend it isn't there. It's bittersweet. Maybe it depends on how one copes with life changes like this. For me, I create things - drawings, writings, or messes. I have not been so in tune with my stream of consciousness in so long. It's a blessing and a curse at this time in my life. But I know that by taking grief head on I will be okay. I am not putting it off until tomorrow. I am not trying to hide from it. If I have to cry in the middle of A.C. Moore, then I do. And that is OKAY. I miss my nana every second of the day. When I close my eyes, I can see her smiling at me. This is all very hard to "deal" with, but it will be okay. I think because I am handling it now, it will not hit me like a ton of bricks in a year or so. I am happy with that aspect. I am babbling.
Dreams - I've always been a fantastic dreamer. My dreams are vivid, realistic, and, luckily, I can "control" them, meaning I can tell myself it's just a dream and to calm my arse down or to sleep as little longer because Johnny Depp is coming my way. The last two weeks though my dreams have been empty or unsatisfying. But full of Nana or thoughts of Nana and I am lucky. I should write them down when I wake up, but I should do lots of things. I had a dream after my Nana's funeral that she was curled up on the couch watching tv. She was vibrant and full of life. I came into the room to talk with her and she was smiling and talking. It was wonderful to hear her voice and to see the smile that I long to see again. I had another dream on Sunday. My entire family was in my Nana's bar, The big lights were on because we were looking at photos and people were laughing and talking. I looked behind the bar, but there was no bartender. I saw Nana's empty chair, wondered where she went, and then woke up. I don't know how I feel about that dream. I think I missed her presence there and I feel like my dreams are the one place that can be left alone and away from reality. But I am grateful for that dream as well because the warmth and friendliness of Nana was so strong.
My Friend Sarah - this coming April will mark fourteen years ago that Sarah accepted me into Marywood University. Never did I ever think we would end up such close friends. The days leading up to my Nana's funeral, I talked with Sarah about whether or not I wanted to go through with giving a eulogy for Nana. It's not that I didn't want to, because I did. The problem was that anything I wrote was absolute shite. Sarah encouraged me to go through with it and reminded me that I wouldn't regret giving a eulogy, even a crappy one, but I would regret not giving one. So I mean it was crappy. Nothing I wrote or could have written would have been good enough for my nana. But I did it. I told the world just a whisper of what nana was like to me. They got the inside scoop from one of her granddaughters, whom she loved so deeply. I'm grateful that Sarah reminded me how important it would be for me to go through with it. I hope I did well by Nana.
Normalcy - Back in 2011 just as my mom left Liverpool to head to the airport, I was there, in that big old city, alone. I could not ignore the urge to get in a cab and follow her home. I knew I couldn't do that. I had people to prove wrong and adventures to embark on. So instead of following her home, I did the one thing that fixes nearly everything. I took a nap. When I woke up I did the laundry and I had dinner. I don't know what happened after that, but I ended up married to a wonderful British guy and gave birth to the funniest and sassiest boy ever. So after the funeral. After I said goodbye to my first best friend, to the woman who helped me through so much, what was I do? I curled up with my Pippers and I took a nap. I woke up and did laundry. Then I ate dinner. Life continued on. My husband went back to work on Tuesday and our routine is nearly back. Life keeps on going and daily tasks must be completed. I am thankful for that.
What Nana Was Able to See- As silly as it sounds, I am so grateful that Nana was able to see that we all ended up okay. Nana was there to watch us get married. She held her glass the highest when it came time for the toast. She was able to meet and hold Lennon. Lennon was able to tell her that he loved her and gave her kisses the last time he saw her. That is what gratitude looks like. I am so lucky to have had her around for so long.
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