Hello everyone! I have decided that this week I will be thankful for the "bad" things in my life. Yesterday I was asked which life experience was most influential in regards to the person I am today. I looked at the lady and was astounded that she really thought I can narrow down one thing that led me to this day, this moment. Obviously, I couldn't answer that question and I told her that. I told her there were too many things in my life, good and bad, that brought me here. So as I was unsuccessfully falling to sleep last night, I went through a list of things that have happened or are happening that were/are pretty craptastic and brought me here today.
I hope it is as funny to you as I think it is...
That I Get the Dark & Twisties - Some people my not like being depressed or uneasy or anxious but, for the most part, I enjoy it. I mean not when it lasts for two weeks and you're reciting commercials for anti-depression pills in your head and you're more miserable than a panda who had his last bamboo stick eaten by the mean, fat other panda that is a bully to everyone in the pack (I don't even know if pandas live in packs), but when I find myself in funk for a day or two I don't mind. In those moments I laugh at myself and the things that have happened along the way and I reflect. And I write. I enjoy writing. I may be awful at it but I like it just the same. So I am grateful for those dark & twisties, for the words and comedy that come out of it. Being broken isn't always awful, if you learn to embrace it and let it be.
Break Ups - Break ups are funny things especially in the days we live in. I actually don't know if I ever had a face to face break up. With technology these (and those) days it is easy to take the intimacy out of any relationship. I imagine the best break up was via an instant message on America Online. That in itself was comedic after we were together for so long but also, over time, it freed me to do things that I never thought I would. At those points in my life I was convinced I would never bounce back. (Honestly who the H was I kidding? I always bounce back!) As cliched as it sounds, I am okay with those break ups (more than okay) because through those mishaps I was able separate what I want from what I need. I learned that honesty is way more important than a guy who has a fast car and respect is worth more than any amount of money that a guy could spend on me. Through the aftermaths of break ups I developed a part of my backbone that, I think, could only be developed through break ups. I could be wrong of course, but I have no other experience than getting the carpet pulled out from underneath me and having to stand on my own two feet again. I don't know if you noticed but I'm not the best at standing anyway. However, I am also grateful that my relationship with break ups is over as I am blissfully happy with Dann and if he would just ask me to freaking get married I'd invite you all to the wedding. :)
That My Dad Was Absent - Yeah. I am not afraid to admit it. He wasn't there. And when he was it was a reminder that it was better when he wasn't. He isn't a bad guy by any means. I do love him and I am happy he's mine. It could have been way worse. I could have had a dad who beat the crap out of me. I just had a dad who would rather be elsewhere. But looking back, I don't really mind it. I don't know if I would have changed it if I could. Maybe to relieve some financial stress but even that wasn't too bad. If anything I think it made us a stronger family. As I get older I realize more and more how amazing my mother is do to everything she did and how lucky we all are to have my nana. Those two ladies made up for everything my father lacked. My mom didn't miss a beat with four children, a bazillion jobs and for a good two years did a master's degree. She's amazing. She's showed me to never give up and there is no burden to heavy to carry. I am woman, hear me roar.
All of the Companies Who Haven't Hired Me - This one is interesting. I know some of you may think that I say this because I do not want to work. That, my friends, could not be any farther from the truth. Through every "you were unsuccessful" or "we feel like you aren't qualified" the desire to become employed has just grown stronger and my motivation is so freaking crazy I hardly recognize myself when I applying and interviewing for jobs. I am more anxious to get back into teaching than anything but right now I would like any job. So when I don't get accepted for a job, I just tell myself that I will send out more applications, redo the cover letter, tweak the resumes and smile a bit brighter in the next interview. If there is anyone who knows about not giving up it's me.
Autumn's Disease - So whatever is wrong with me is still undiagnosed. I have a feeling that it is probably going to stay that way. If it does stay that way then this conundrum that I live with will be named after me (fancy, aye?). For those of you who don't know, I was the first person born with this condition (I honestly don't even know what to call it) and there are about four other people who have it. The doctors used their experience with me to treat them. When I was born, the doctors had no clue what to with me. They told my mom that I wouldn't live to see a week. Since that time, they told her to start planning a funeral for me more times than any parent should be told. By the time I was like six I survived four cardiac arrests and something like eleven respiratory arrests. My muscles suck. My body isn't straight, at all. I can't really stand for longer than ten seconds ( on a good day). I may be able to walk twenty feet one day and not even be able to go from the bed to a chair the next day (which is called a bad day). Someone who worked at the gym asked me what my goal is for my brother's wedding. I know she was referring to a weight goal but my response to her was, "To not be weak that day," as every day is unpredictable. Kind of crazy, aye? I could be mad about it, but why? There is nothing I can do to change it so I live my life and do what I can do with what I have. Quite honestly, I do more than most people do. I see more of the world than others. I push myself harder because I have to and I am a helpful person because I know what is like to need help, just a bit of understanding can go a long way. I am no better than anyone reading this and I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to say that. But what I am trying to say is that if I wasn't born with this unsolvable algebra equation, I might have ended up just being ordinary. Just living life as if I wasn't lucky to be alive, as if it couldn't be taken away from me at any second, as if each day that passes would be easier than the next. I know that those ideas aren't a part my life. I know that I am lucky and I am grateful if I can feel a bad day coming the night before because then I am not as discouraged as I am when bad day hits me unexpectedly.
I am grateful for this life because not many people believed that I would come this far or that I would do what I do. My mom was even told that she wouldn't be able to take care of me and that I should go to a facility that I could be taken care of (thank God that she didn't listen!) and she was also told that I wouldn't be able to go to school and have to be home schooled. Pft. Now I go to school in England, suckas. So for a long time now I've just been surprising people with what I do. Actually, while I was home over the summer, a patient of Corey's turned out to be a doctor that wouldn't "see" me when I was a baby. Not because he didn't want to but simply because he didn't know what to do with me. In all reality no one can really blame him for it. My mom couldn't find health insurance for me because I used up an astronomical amount of coverage on the insurance we had when I was first born (or something like that). Anyway, the doctor that Corey was seeing recognized the last name and remembered me. Corey told him that I am indeed his sister and told him I was doing well and living in merry old England. This doctor was shocked at the news and apparently he got chills over the news of my survival, never mind surviving I am living a great life, and apologized to Corey over and over again for not being able to take care of me way back in the mid 80s. So in a way I am glad that I was dealt this life. I am constantly surprising people, I am always grateful for the things I can do and I hope that there are at least a few people that I do inspire. Even if it just my imaginary friend, who, quite honestly, has been getting on my nerves lately (dark and twisties!). And sometimes, I think I am kind of extraordinary and that's kind of cool.
What are you thankful for?
