So as my first year of my journey with Grief comes to a close, here I am. Searching.
I have had days that I have not been very grateful, or at least I didn't act like it.
I've had days that I know life comes together.
I've had days that I simply muddle through while missing my nana immensely.
I've had days that I'm on top of the world and wishing she could be here to see it.
All in all, at least I've had days. That's a privilege that will stop abruptly, whether it's tomorrow or forty years from now.
So I find it particularly important to stick with my thanksgiving tradition of a Thankful Thursday blog post.
It's not because everyone is doing it.
It's because I need to do it.
My friends. - Whether it's three in the morning or a lunch date that lasts for hours, they're there. To make me laugh, to help me make sense of things, to listen to my guilt, to support me. I have real stand up friends and a few of them completely surprised me this year. From the people that I've texted and asked "when it will get better" or "do you think she's okay?" to the friends who get me when I say that "I'm just not into the holidays this year, but I do it for Lennon." I thank you. There are so many of you who have reached out or just sent some comfort. Just thank you.
Guilt. - My oh my, does guilt change your soul. Nothing changes your actions quite like guilt does. I am sure I am not alone when I say I lay awake at night and think of all I didn't do or, maybe worse, did do. Not enough time, not enough visits, not enough patience, too much sass, too much social life. In the grand scheme of things, I know that, wherever my nana is, she isn't holding a grudge about me being short with her when she asked how my ex was doing. I know she isn't clinging to the fact that I had a strict no smoking rule in my car. And I also know she probably isn't upset that I missed a few pizza nights here and there. But I am. So I changed my behaviors over the last year. Now, I try to treat everyone like they're someone's nana (or grandfather.) I try to take a deep breath when I want to shout. I still can't stand smoking so that's just not going to change. And when I'm having a sad day, I do something nice for someone. Usually I seek out an old lady and buy her a meal. The first time I did it, I choked out the words "I should have done this more with my nana while I had the chance," and that old lady gave me a grateful & understanding smile. And today, I just wished another lady a happy thanksgiving quickly, she didn't even realized I paid for her. I just wondered where her family was and how silly could they be to not spend time with this lady. Luckily, they don't know how much they'll miss her when she's gone.
My tattoo artist. - I know. But let me tell you. The relationship you have with your tattoo artist is intimate and steady. You cannot bounce from shop to shop and get the same experience. One of my tattoos took a total of sixteen hours. Sixteen hours with a dude who's stabbing you repeatedly with a tiny needle that's coloring your skin forever. It's intense. I had my first tattoo almost ten years ago. In the midst of a heartbreak. Since then I graduated with a master's (five tattoos during those years,) I moved to England (the sixteen hour one before I left,) I got married. Birthed a child. Found/lost/found/lost/on repeat in regards to my faith. & lost my nana. Now, many people have been with me through that. But my tattoo guy doesn't give a crap what I say & he usually has good stuff to say back. When I asked him about using ashes and drawing up my nana's bar sign, he said he'd do it. Then when I came in with just her signature. He didn't mind that I was crying. There were no words exchanged. No cliches said. No hugs. No nonsense. The dude let me cry, which is what is needed sometimes. Now, I have "Love, Nana" tattooed on me, & when the going gets tough, I swear that tail end of the A pops out like she's telling me to relax. I'm grateful for every tattoo - even the ones I covered up. They're illustrations to my story.
That I'm a jack of all trades! - I never stop. Obviously, I'm a mom. But I'm also a crafter, a LulaRoe consultant, a poofy organics guide, & I have an actual job. I have little opportunity for grief to catch up to me. I love doing my crafts. It's therapeutic & I'd like to think my nana would be proud. My husband is my biggest fan of whatever I make & he always cleans up my crafty messes. & Pip always asks me to make him things and that warms my heart. Dann used to joke that I didn't know how to relax & now I simply don't have the time.
The guys of mine.- Lennon and Dann are my gratitude in people form. I can tell you every cliche about how wonderful my husband is and they'd all be true and not enough to express how amazing he is. I wish I was exaggerating but he's pretty perfect. Lennon. That boy is my sunshine. He makes me laugh and he makes me crazy. He greets me every morning with a smile and he holds my hand as he's falling to sleep. He is the real deal. Even though he may or may not shout, "free the boobies," as he's leaving the post office. (Ok. Maybe Dann does have a flaw.) When I am sad we get into a big bear hug with the three of us and I am reminded I'm one lucky lady. They're both happy and healthy. I cannot ask for more.
My siblings. - we are like any family and we get on each other's last nerves. But there is no one that I'm prouder of or more defensive of than my gaggle of Chmils. My brother is my saving grace and I am grateful that he is successful, happy, and healthy. He's always ready & willing to help, & if you catch him off guard, he might tell you a joke or two. My older sister. Her battle with addiction is no secret. Over the years, she's taught me how to love unconditionally and honesty, and also how to give tough love. I'm grateful that she's alive today because if you asked me six months ago, I'd have told you she probably wouldn't be. Sthe has another chance & I hope this time is the golden ticket to the sober life she longs for. My younger sister. My challenge. Let me tell you. This girl drives me insane in every way possible. Let me also tell you. No one has my back like this girl. She is my ride or die. Bodyguard, big mouth, or private LulaRoe deliverer, she's my girl. I'm lucky to have her as a sister, even if she makes my blood pressure go sky-high & my jaw tighten so much I might shatter my teeth. I've learned that little sisters do that. I'm glad she's mine.
I'm also grateful for my sister-in-law & my brother-in-law. Jess is a perfect friend. She lets me complain when I need to complain. She helps me figure things out & talk through things. She is a sister to me and she's one I always needed. The Other Corey. He's a riot. He's a no nonsense guy. Honest. An under the table marine biologist. He puts Christa in her place when she's getting too rowdy. (To be fair all of the Chmil kids need to be put in their places more often than not.) His dry sense of humor makes me chuckle and we all need some of that.
Of course, it goes without saying that I am grateful for all of my nephews and my beautiful niece. They warm my heart.
My mama. - yeah. This is her third or fourth appearance. I could actually post a reason every day that I am grateful for this lady. But this time, I'm grateful for our convos. As I get older I realize that my mom and I are the same. She makes me laugh Bc she's a little zany. She makes me crazy Bc she's a little impatient. She gives me a second to breathe Bc she offers relief. I probably do all that to her too.
I've clung to my mom this last year (full on clinger.) I'm grateful for the meals. For the laughs. For the not so fun times. When we unpacked my nana's boxes in silence and then tears and then laughter. I know that I am beyond lucky to have my mom with me. I try to make it a point to annoy my mom each day to keep her on her toes. But really, I'm just needy. She greets me with a smile and she tells me to go pound sand when needed. Gratitude comes in many forms.
I hope that, even if you have had a hard year, even if you feel like a grinch, that can recognize how lucky you are to have your family & friends with you. That you can see that you have a roof over your head & food on your plate. Hug all of your family members whenever you can. Be thankful for them today.
