I was going to skip Thankful Thursday this week and a part of me thinks I still should skip it. I find it hard to be thankful for things during a day like today. I feel like anything I would write would be utterly ridiculous However I think a day like today is when TT is more for me than for you guys. I saw early this morning a quick thing from CNN about a shooting in CT but they had no information on it and I thought well maybe is isn't that bad. I read that it was at an elementary school but I still had hope that it really wouldn't be too bad. Within the hour I saw/read/heard how bad it was. The actions of this one man will ripple into every single one of our lives, whether or not we like to admit it. These poor families having to deal with overwhelming loss, never feeling safe walking into a school again, and, as with all of us, the feeling of being shocked, stunned, numb etc. I am finding it incredibly difficult to find anything to be thankful for that isn't brought on by today's events. Being thankful for these things makes me feel selfish as I don't think it is just or kind to say "I am happy it wasn't my family," even though everyone is thinking it. I am happy it wasn't my family but I would have gladly taken the place of one or all of those children if I could.
You all must know by now that I love little humans. I love the wonder in their eyes, the kindness in their hearts, the laughter that whispers in every word they say and their smiles that cannot do anything else but put a smile on another's face. I, like everyone else I'm sure, am having a terrible time with this. I just keep thinking about the twenty kids that probably had no idea what was going on. I am thinking about what their mornings were like and if they had breakfast or tried to skip school today because it was too cold to get out of bed. Maybe they were excited to get to school because it is so very close to Christmas and they were probably making some Christmas project today or this week. While driving today I couldn't stop thinking of their laundry in their parents' washers and dryers, their beds probably left unmade and toys scattered around the house all waiting to be folded, made, picked up. Favorite cereals and cookies and stuffed animals all reminding the families of how life should have continued on this typical Friday. I keep on thinking of Christmas presents. The presents that have already been purchased for those kids and will be left unopened. I think of stockings hanging by the stairs or the fireplace and silly Santas with cotton balled beards counting down the days to Christmas.
For some reason I hope that the children were coloring when it happened. When I am stressed or sad I color. I find it peaceful. I know that their last moments weren't peaceful but right before the moment that hell broke loose I hope that they were just being kids.
I think of the parents still waiting. The last time I watched the news (and this is why I don't watch the news but a massacre like this cannot be avoided or ignored) the reporter said the the bodies could not be removed from the school yet as the CSIs were still investigating. I cannot imagine the hope that those parents who are still waiting must have - that their child is hiding in a closet or under a desk or maybe even found their way into the basement. I am not even involved and I am hoping for a miracle situation like that. With that being said, I cannot imagine the agony that those parents must be going through. I would imagine that it is a type of situation where one would have to see their child in order to believe that the unthinkable happened. That waiting game is something that no one enjoys in everyday, non-important situations, never mind waiting to hear the worst news that you can hear in your lifetime. The pain I feel for these families, friends and the community of Newtown, CT is devastating and I have zero connection with them.
But, as I said, I find it necessary to be thankful today.
Safe Driving - I picked up Jacob from Lancaster today and while I was exhausted and preoccupied we got home safely. He is my world and I am glad that tonight he is safe in his bed, arguing to get a new DS game.
Jacob's Simple Thoughts - Of course, he doesn't understand what is going on and I am glad for that. When I picked him up, Jacob's dad and his girlfriend were filling me in on the details of what was released to the public while I was on my way down. Jacob wasn't paying attention but he couldn't ignore when I gasped "kindergarten!?!!?" After I said this he put his hand on my cheek and said, "Don't worry. It wasn't at my school," and he smiled.
Obama Crying - Dann, Jacob and I stopped at McDonald's on the way home and I requested to sit by the television so I could lose my appetite with each second of footage airing on tv about the shootings. While I was at the verge of tears with every glimpse to the screen, I fought them because crying in McDonald's is not something anyone wants to do. And also I felt as though I should not cry that I have no reason to and I should be strong for these other people. Then Obama came on. Anyone could tell that the man was distraught from the get go. But it was when he looked down and paused for longer than he probably planned to and began to wipe tears from his eyes that I felt as though it was okay to cry. And I did. I cried for the kids and their families. The teachers who saved lives, and those teachers who lost their lives saving others. I cried for the community and the state of the country and world that it isn't an impossible thing to think that someone would actually go do this to innocent children. Just disbelief.
That All of My Loved Ones Came Home From School Today - I have a billion connections to school communities. From preschool to PhD students and teachers I know a plethora. All of them made it home to their families and friends today. Up until today I never worried about my mother's safety at school. She teaches preschool nothing could really go wrong there, until today. My Jacob and my Lily are in elementary school and never did I have a concern but tonight I am terrified and thankful that they made it through the school day.
I don't care what religion you believe in or don't - say a prayer - send good wishes and positive vibes to that community tonight and every night as they try to make sense of this.
