Thankful Thursday

It's been a long time since I've had a moment to write anything more than a coherent, comprehensible, and correct text message. And, trust me, those are few and far between. Anyway, I've realized in the last few months how important writing is to me. Especially since my husband out of the house at least 45 hours a week, and my conversations with Lennon aren't that intellectual (but very special and life-changing,) I've come back to writing stories and dialogues in my head. I've purchased TWO new journals, that will sit on my desk until an energized, inspired, and silent night comes along.  I've also realized how much darker my life is when I do not practice gratitude. At times, it (life) has been hard.  It's been a terribly hard year for me personally and there were pity parties thrown. Never ever did I throw an actual pity party until February of this year - I was so pitiful that I didn't even have confetti. But dark days are good.  Dark days are needed.  Dark days are important to me. It was in those days that I realized that I have so much to be grateful for. I tend to think of gratitude as a meditation of sorts. Thinking of things to be grateful for centers me.  I am beginning to think that, like a smile, gratitude is contagious. So here it is hopefully the start of my weekly Thankful Thursdays.   (And I'll warn you, it's probably going to be a long one.) 

Rock Bottom - I think rock bottom is different for everyone. I also think it doesn't have to be as awful as it's imagined.  I think that rock bottom is just the breaking point, the starting line to change, not all fiery pits of hell as so many of us may think.  Rock bottom happened in February for me.  February 12th to be exact.  I was sick because I was always sick (probably lack of gratitude = lack of optimism = lack of health.)  Husband was gone to NYC for work, I was fighting with that awful car company, and I was just fed up with not being well. I couldn't keep up with housework (ha,) I couldn't keep up with Lennon, and I couldn't take care of myself.  The day before the awakening my friend came over to help me out. Maybe one day I can go into detail about how much help I needed but not today. Before she left she said that I should probably have my father come and stay with me and Lennon.  She was right. He did. And my dad took the baby with him the next day so that I could rest. Read: I couldn't take care of my child for two days. 

So there I was being pissed right the F off that I can't even take care of my kid.  WHAT HAPPENED?  Why am I not better? Lennon was 17 months old at the time, surely enough time for me to "get well," what was going on?  How do these moms do it? The height of the pity party on a beatiful February afternoon,

In my room, all on my lonesome - and I was too weak to even cry. How did I get to that point? I don't know.  But it was in that moment I was done with it.  I was a girl who got up and moved to England; who would drive to NYC randomly on a Saturday; who flew to Los Angeles for a weekend.  I was strong enough to do all that and now I can't change a diaper?  How? 

So it was time for a change.   I was done being pissed. I was done being sad.  I was done being an Eeyore in life.  I've been a Tigger my whole life, darn it. It was time to get my bounce back.  Three people outside of family  knew how bad I was. Did any of those ladies have a degree in medicine? (Jenn might have something close!) Nope.  Do any of those gals know anything about the metabolism and how it affects muscles?  Nope.  So why wasn't my doctor one of the folks that were in the know?  Because I am a stubborn, stubborn asshole. (Proven fact.) So I wrote my doctor an email.  I gave him the rundown on what's been going on in the last year. He responded quickly because he knows me well.  He assured me that it won't last forever.   That I was/am going through an autoimmune process caused by my blood mixing with Lennon's blood when that cute little guy was born. Mom and baby bloods always mix. It's rare that it has an affect, but you all know how I feel about rare. That single email response from my doctor sparked what I needed - hope (and gratitude!) I would have never had the motivation to get up and get going if it wasn't for his words.  No, I had the desire, but I thought what was the use? But that February afternoon is what I needed.  I fell three times in 24 hours that week.  I cried a bunch and I asked for help more than I ever did in my life.  Then, when no one was around. I broke. I hugged rock bottom and it hugged me back. I brushed off my shoulders and chose to try to make a change.  It's working so far. I owe a bunch to rock bottom.  

Poofy Organics - I found Poofy Organics by way of a desperate search for eczema remedies.  Lennon's skin was horrendous and probably painful.  I was at the end of my rope.   Suddenly a random cradle cap & eczema organic remedy popped up in my newsfeed on FB. It was raving about Poofy Organics and how wonderful the product and company was.  I chose to try the lotion first. To say I was impressed was an extreme understatement.  I was over the moon at how wonderfully this product  worked on Lennon's skin. I decided to join the company last September and I am still so thankful that I did.  It's nice to be a part of a company that is trying to do good things for the planet and cares for the well-being of other humans and animals alike. I enjoy that I am able to help people find a remedy to issues without toxins.  And the connections, oh boy, all of the connections to new and old friends.   It's great to build new relationships in general, but with like minded  people, ah-maze-zing! With Poofy Organics I get to meet new people, I get to reconnect with old school friends, and I get to help friends and family make healthier, greener decisions. It's nice to be a part of something that I'm passionate about &  not just doing it to try to make some money. It's been a real blessing in my life. For so long I was the one who needed help.  It nice to be able to help others.  

Time -  This probably sounds silly, but I don't care, I am thankful for time.  A wise man once said that love is all you need.  Not to knock that guy, but time is right up there in the top ten of things I need. I needed time to get used to being a mom, to get a schedule, if you will. Time is ever-fleeting and it seems like now I cannot catch up to how fast life moves.  One second I was crying in a Liverpool bathroom with a pregnancy test in my hand, and I blinked to making that baby's second birthday invitations. All it took was time (and patience.) Sometimes I think about how broken hearted I was once upon a time, and now, that seems so long ago.  It seems so silly now looking back. That the tragedies and broken hearts of the past were so huge to me.  Now, that everything has been brought to the table, I am thankful for all of those moments.  Every good and bad thing brought me to this moment, and life is good, folks. I'm happy. And I'm thankful for time in this moment.  Time to wiggle around Lennon's naps and crying fests. Time to snuggle with him. When he is up far too early in the morning, he brings Beats the Bear over and curls right into me.  I love those moments. Time with my husband. Whether it's sorting out clothes that are now too small on the baby or watching The Godfather in 30 minute increments because we are far too tired to watch any longer than that.  Goodness, I'm thankful.   And when I think I could have missed all of this if I didn't make the choice to go to England. Well, I realize the Fates have been so kind to me. For that I'll be forever grateful.  

That Lennon is a Happy Baby - Obviously, I'm grateful for Lennon, and I would love him regardless of his demeanor or attitude. But I can tell you that I have lucked out with this child.   He is the happiest baby I have ever come across (except for when he is unhappy.) I think back to when Dann was still in England and I wonder how I got through those months. The nasty war with eczema and the unwavering battle with his belly issues.    THANK GOODNESS HE WAS HAPPY! I couldn't imagine how horrible those months would have been if he was just a miserable baby.  Even now, Lennon is really a chipper little fellow.  He's always singing and dancing. He laughs and converses in his sleep frequently.  Giggling so hard while dreaming that he makes us giggle.  Lennon and I are bffs, especially when Dann is at work.  Granted, most of the summer I have been at my moms while Dann has been working so it's not too, too bad, but the days that we are home, we spending singing (and he dances,) or we color, practice our alphabet, or play some games.  With the exception of the last two weeks, he rarely has a breakdown. His natural happy-go-lucky attitude is something I am so thankful for, and the fact that he is a pretty good sleeper 75% of the time.  

Strength - Listen, I persevere.  My stubborn side is limitless. While my physical strength has dropped the ball in the last two years, deep down my attitude never stopped (you can ask my husband.) In these past six weeks I have seen just how much having a strong mentality has paid off.  In February, after Rock Bottom and I had our meeting, I called and made an appointment to get back in to physical therapy.  Although I didn't start until May, I am pretty much kicking ass.  Here's an example.  Up until last three weeks ago, I didn't shower unassisted since January 2013.  

Let that sink in.  

I took a twenty minute shower for the first time since before I found out I was pregnant (or right after I found out I was pregnant.) If you never had to ask for help or count on other people to do simple things for you (like brush your teeth,) you'll never know how big of an accomplishment this is. Granted, I needed to exercise and build my strength up, but I needed to keep my strength, my attitude in check just as much, maybe even more than my physical strength.  Once your spirit is crushed, I don't know if there is any way to motivate yourself. I'm grateful that no matter how hard it was, I always brushed myself off and tried harder to get better the next day. I'm not where I want to be, by any means, and I don't know if I will ever get back to the way I was before I carried, birthed, nursed, and fell in love with the most perfect person for my soul, but I'm going to keep trying. Lennon doesn't let me give up. Lennon doesn't let me quit. I refuse to be anything less than the best I can be for this love of mine. So for this week, even though it's taken me an entire month to write this, I am extraordinarily grateful for my stubborn strength. 

What are you thankful for? 

Thankful Thursday !

I'll have to come up with a new title because, let's face it, I am lucky if I get a TT out never mind making sure it's on a Thursday.

I must tell you the being a mom is hard but it's worth it and I am thankful.  Goodness, am I thankful! I often think of when I was unsure that I'd see these days and I just can't believe I made it.  If that doesn't fill me (and maybe you?) with gratitude then I don't know what would.

Anyway, it's long overdue and I have a list of people to thank.


Rebekah G - She was kind enough to meet Dann at the airport so that I didn't have to go get him and so that he wasn't prancing around Philadelphia on his own. She took him to the train station and made sure he got a bite to eat. I haven't seen Rebekah since high school and she absolutely volunteered to do me this huge favor.  She even made Dann a super awesome sign.  It saved me so much chaos and the I avoided the fiasco of the Surekyll.  I will remember her kindness forever.   Thank you, Beka.

Emily C. - Emily is another friend from high school.  Right before Dann came home for Christmas, I learned that Lennon's probiotics could not be found anywhere.  Emily contacted me via Facebook to tell me she had some that her son could not use because he, like Lennon ended up to be, was allergic to everything.  Emily was thoughtful and generous enough to drop off the probiotics where I was getting my hair done!  I just couldn't believe the amount of goodwill that I was experiencing this Christmas!

Donna and Stefanie - So there was a massive water main break last week and the water company though that we might have our water turned off - 8,000 people did get it turned off.  Thankfully it didn't reach up as far as us when the water was turned off, but Stefanie and Donna both dropped everything and went out to get water for Lennon and bottled water for me.  Remarkable!

That Random Couple -  Dann, Lennon, and I were picking up a layaway at K-Mart on December 21. Two things - I hate layaway and I hate K-Mart. Two more things: with  Jacob here often and Levi here even more I absolutely had to hid their gifts that were from me as long as possible; I hate Walmart even more than I hate the Big K.So there we there the three of us were.  Lennon was decked out in Batman gear and I was going over in my head how irritated I was by comments said by someone on television and that I was stuck in a layaway line.   So these two people come up to me. At this point I'm convinced I'm going to get robbed or they're trying to kidnap Lennon because Dann was gone to get a cart (he wasn't that far) and I am sure I am do not look as tough and strong as I am. Yeah, the lady comes says to me "Is this layaway?"  I said, "Yes," instead of saying something smart.  She walked away and I went back to talking to Lennon.  She then came back over and asked, "Are you waiting for layaway?" I said, "Yes, I am."  She then said to the guy who she was with, "Yes, she is." Then suddenly the man comes back up to me and the lady says, "We want to give this to you," as he is handing me a $20 bill. I say, "Oh, no.  I can't accept that," with a smile.  "Yes, please. Someone did this for us.  Let us do it for you," The gentleman says back to me.  After another couple of "No, I can'ts" and a few more "Please. You have tos" I ended up taking the money and giving him a hug with tears in my eyes.  Not because of the money but because of that goodwill toward men that I thought was so absent in society anymore. As I took it from the gentleman I could clearly tell it was more than just one paper bill in there.    The man in front of me mentioned how it was nice to see that people still do that clenching to the money.  I didn't know what to do.  Do I look at it? What if there's some sort of poison on it?  Ah.  I said to Dann, "There's more than twenty bucks here."  I opened the wad of cash (it really was a wad!)  I was actually speechless when I saw how much money was there!  There was $100 in cash in my hand!  That some complete stranger handed us.  I am so grateful to that couple.  I passed the Random Act of Kindness on.  I am grateful for the money being handed to me, but also grateful to be able to pass it on and watch the people getting my Random Act of Kindness!  I am pretty sure that I spent close to the $100 just to see other's faces!

What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursday - Thanksgiving Edition!

Hello World! You knew I'd make an appearance for Thanksgiving, right? I may be sleep deprived. I may forget things.  I may even not respond to a text message for hours, or days, or ever, but I am grateful. 

My favorite stores haven't seen me in a long time.  My old haunts have probably forgotten about me by now. I can't tell you the last time my hair and face looked presentable. Most of my friends have probably given up on me by now, but I'm grateful. 

I've, somehow, acquired a little (adorable) monster who gives me a hard time daily. He sucks every ounce of energy out of my body and I couldn't tell you the last time I slept sound enough to remember my dream. This monster screams and throws a hissy fit whenever anything, other than pee, is going on in his diaper and he gets quite rude when he's hungry. But this monster greets me with laughter and a smile every morning. (After he's farted, of course. He's such a boy.) He loves to snuggle up to me when he's sleeping and he finds some peace when he is holding my hand. And for this little monster, I couldn't be any more grateful. 

His existence gives meaning to mine. His simple ways have taught me to let go of things that are complicated. I've returned to my peaceful self and let go of things in the past that were negative. I'm trying every day to not let my opinions and feelings on people or subjects influence Lennon's opinions and feelings, although we do spend quite a bit of time watching 90210 in the mornings - for these things I am also extremely grateful. 

Perhaps I am distant and missing. I suppose I have flown off of the radar a bit.  I imagine that I do seem rude because I don't really get back to anyone in a timely manner. I'm sure I seem too busy to many people but I assure you that is because I do not, under any circumstances, want to ever seem too busy for my little monster. The moments are flying by and sometimes I am not strong enough to enjoy them. I may have to watch from the sidelines but I don't want Lennon to ever have a memory of me being glued to my phone or other electronic device and appearing to not have interest in him. 

Well, on with the show!

On this wonderful Thanksgiving Thankful Thursday I find myself feeling grateful for...

The Beatles' "Let It Be" - Oh, yes, I have been grateful for and written about the Fab Four before today but the passing of time, and countless hours of sleep deprivation, have given me the wonderful opportunity to reflect on things. Now, I can tell you that out of every song in the Universe, it's this one to take to heart. Once upon a time this time of year would make me so sad. From mid-September to Christmas night I would have an unbelievable heartache. To no avail, I would listen to this song and many others as a way to soothe my soul. Now looking back as my heart has healed and I've come to terms with many sorts of relationships that have flatlined, I've realized those fools knew what they were talking about. It has taken me the better part of seven years, over 12,000 miles of traveling, failed attempts, falling in love again, and the surprise of a lifetime to realize that sometimes you simply must let things be. Put them in the corner of your heart for a while or set them on the shelf of your soul and let time take care of it. It took a while for me to get "it." Once I did, everything started to fall into place - like meeting the spider exterminator, who I would end up tricking into falling in love with me, and then this handsome, handsome baby came along.  I'm thankful for the advice that those Beatles gave to me. I have my love and I have my Pippers, and, as Kenny Chesney says, "I've never wanted nothing more." 

My New Found Ability to Fall Asleep - There was a time that it would take me hours upon hours to fall asleep. Times, they are a changin'! Now I can fall asleep nearly anywhere in any position! I've even learned how to fall asleep before I actually close my mouth and I get to wake up in a pile of drool! I am so talented that I fall asleep while Lennon is nursing and, AND, I do not fall over onto the bed or couch. Phew! If I knew being a mama would enable me to sleep like this I would have done it a lifetime ago! For real though, I suddenly can fall asleep in two minutes rather than two hours, which is great because Lennon naps, occasionally, for two hours and so do I!

My Help -  You know what's harder than being a mom? Being a single mom. What's harder than that? Being a single mom with a freakin' disability. (Sorry, if I dropped a bombshell on you!) So I have my mom, my dad, and Krissy who play the role of daddy (and sometimes mommy) on a daily basis to make up for the things that I cannot do or that Dann would be doing. It's a team and I'm incredibly grateful for that. 

My Lennon Bug -  He may be a monster and he may poop in his pants and cry when he's trying to fart but let me tell you this:  I've never ever felt luckier, more humble, or more grateful for anything in my entire life.  I am more grateful for him than I am for my own existence, than for the air that I breathe. One day things will get better.  I will get all of my strength back and I will be able to do more things for him but for now I literally get to lay around with him all day. We talk and laugh. We play and we cry. So yeah, I've pretty much dropped off the face of the earth to most of you. But I remember in the hospital, after he was born, when the doctor came in and told us that he may have a heart murmur, then it was that his skull may not be right and he may need surgery, and then the stubborn gosh darn jaundice when he had to sleep in the UV crib, which resembled a NICU bed and he had to wear an eye mask    (that's when I finally cried), and all I wanted to do is hold him or, even better, switch places with him.  I remember those few days in the hospital and the moments before I was knocked out before the surgery. I knew then I'd give my life for him, so my social life doesn't seem like a huge loss.  He's changed my whole outlook on life and the Universe. I am already trying to be a better person because of him.  I know no love like this love and I cannot be any more grateful than I am for the little boy squirming around next to me.  

Happy Thanksgiving!  

What are you thankful for? 

Thankful Thursday

I must report that thankful Thursday will be a bit sporadic in the coming weeks, months. But I am grateful every single day for many things, even though Pip's first week has been a crazy one. 

Pip is sleeping on one side of me.  He just smiled in his sleep.  Dann is on the other side and he just smiled too. 

Pip survived.  I survived.  I created a little family with an amazing man who has already showed me how fantastic he is and will be as a father, and our wonderful, perfect little snuggle butt  who loves to nap on my chest and hold my pinkie while he sleeps at night. 

I am the luckiest girl around. 

And the most grateful as well.  

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday!

Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly.  - Tony Robbins

It's been a relatively quiet week on this side of the computer screen.  I'm happy about that.  Some peace and quiet before the ball of chaos arrives to greet me head on! 

And, of course, the gratitude continues!

Bus Systems -  Dann came back from England yesterday and thankfully I finally thought to ask a friend how in the world he travels to and from NYC every day for work. My friend informed me that there is a bus that drops people off right in Scranton and he also told me how Dann can get from the airport to the correct bus station.     THANK GOODNESS! The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was to sit in bridge construction traffic for a total of 4 hours each way.   I may hate public transportation but it was a lifesaver yesterday! 

Reward Points -  I've become quite an avid coupon collector and reward point go-getter in the last few months.  Some people think I'm silly and some think I'm brilliant.   I prefer the latter. My plan is to save up points for Christmastime since our family is growing by the second - so far I have approximately $250 just saved up in points.  I'd be jealous if I were you. But that isn't the point of my story.   I had to get some sort of belt replaced on my car and I really needed windshield wipers so I thought I'd do it all at once and I had a coupon for Nissan anyway so I'd use that for the wipers and save $8.  To my dismay I could not use the coupon for the wipers BUT I did have reward points saved up, which I didn't even know about, and those points took $36 off of my bill.  Hot dog was I a happy lady!! And for the record when I typed "windshield" the first time if corrected to "sunshine."

Tums -  I am not sure if I have already shared how grateful I M for tums but they deserve it.  They're my midnight snack every night. 

Nap Time - There is just something wonderful   

about an afternoon nap.  I recommend them to everyone. 

What are you thankful for? 

Thankful Thursday!!

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.  ~Benjamin Disraeli

Maybe that's what I've been feeling this whole time! 

I cannot help but think what a wild ride these last few years have turned out to be.  Three years ago today I left for Liverpool (for the first time).  We were stuck on the GW Bridge for a lifetime, the plane's landing gear failed the first time, and I was never so tired in my life when we finally got to the hotel in London.  It's hard to believe that all of that chaos was the starting point for Pip's arrival.  I never thought all of this would come from that.  Everything happens for a reason. Although things are quite difficult sometimes and I am in pain most times, I am quite a happy and thankful lady.  In the last few months I've learned so many things.  I've learned that, no matter what, there are people that will always show you their true colors when the going gets tough. I've learned that there are people who will let you down, but there are even more people who will come along and bring their own little candle to light the way for you (if not a candle their flash on their smartphone works). I've learned that true, honest friends are few and far between. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned that you never know what you're made of until you  are pushed right down to the nitty gritty to find out exactly how far your courage can take you, how deep your strength is, how much hardship you can endure, and how humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude you can feel once you finally persevere.  

The timing of Pip's arrival couldn't be more off. Sometimes I still find myself annoyed that my plan didn't go through the way I wanted it to, that this summer was supposed to be filled with wedding planning and odd, vintage, mismatched plate hunting instead of hunting for the best diaper deals. But then Pip moves around or kicks me and I realize that I was always the person to believe that everything happens for a reason and that it is best to realize things are out of our control as soon as possible in order to enjoy this short time we are here, why should I stop thinking this way now?  So big deal if I didn't choose Pip. He chose me, us, at this place in time.  How flattering is that?! Over 6 billion people on this planet and Pip picks Dann and I to be his parents. Oh my! Maybe my little baby is a fool, huh? 

I've always made it a point to help people whenever I could because for so long I was the one who needed so much help and because I am also one who believes that you should treat people the way you would want to be treated. However the amount of help that I've needed over the last few months is absurd and, sometimes, embarrassing.  So I must start with this week's dose of gratitude there.  

Those People Who Are in My Face All of the Time -  I do not mean this in a negative or cruel way.  There have been many times in the past that I've had to be in a friend's face to help them through something even if I was the last person they wanted to talk to, so I know what it's like to have to force a person to shut up and listen or sit down and let someone else do something.   So for Krissy, Stefanie, Donna, and Jenn - I am grateful. They consistently check up on me and, when needed, pull me back from freak out zone. There are times when I do not want to speak to anyone and they just do not shy away because I am silent. In fact, most days Krissy tells me where do go and how to get there when I start to doubt the doctors' capabilities. They're the ones who remind me that although things aren't ideal right now they could be worse and they will get better.  I'm the thankful for these girls.Every single day. 

My Baby Daddy! - I am speaking the truest words I've ever spoken when I tell people how lucky I feel that Dann and I found each other.  The odds of that happening were so slim and based on chance, as everything is but our chances were so slim it's amazing it happened.  For one, I'm so thrilled that I'm not stuck with a miserable guy.  Of course I knew this was the case way before the baby was ever a thought in my head but I just think to the boys of my past and I thank my lucky stars that Dann is Pip's daddy and not one of the yonkos from my past.  Due to stupid immigration and visa rules, Dann went to England for nine days. He comes back on Wednesday and the last few days really made me realize how helpful he is! I can be quite a monster to him, too, and he never holds it against me. I mean, sure, it could be because I would remind him that this is all of his fault, but I don't think he would hold it against me anyway. Every time I leave the ice pack downstairs in the freezer when I am already snugged up in bed I am reminded of how grateful I am for Dann. I love how he didn't change his tune when we learned I was pregnant, how he took it better than I did right from the get go. I also, now not so secretly, love how we argue over his desire to want to drop out of school to stay with the baby and I remind him that this seems like the hardest way right now but we will be happy about it in July. And I love how Dann talks to Pip and hollers at me for playing the drums on my belly because I shouldn't annoy Pip before he actually gets out of my belly.  I'm just grateful that Dann isn't a jerk.  I had such a long track record with those kind of guys.  

For Honest Friends - These types of friends are rare and when you find them, hold those friends closely. Their honesty will be one of the most valuable attributes to your friendship so pick honest and sincere ones and let go of those who cannot be honest with you. 

For Everyone Who is Sending Good Thoughts - I want to thank everyone for their well wishes, good juju, and positive thoughts that are constantly coming our way.  We appreciate it so very much and are absolutely humbled by it all. We never realized how many people care about us, does anyone? So let me say thank you to all of you this week, just in case this PipSqueak of mine decides to make an appearance before next week's TT!  

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

What are you thankful for?